Wednesday, May 22, 2013

ICLW and Daydreams

Welcome ICLWers!  You can find my welcome on the tab at the top.  Short story: I'm a therapist who dealt with infertility for a long time before I said enough to ART and decided to adopt.  Been through the ringer just like you, and I get it.  Welcome!

Shameless promotion:  If you're interested in participating in infertility research (and entering to win one of six $15 Amazon gift cards), please click on the link to the right or the tab at the top to complete my PhD research survey.  Thank you!

Update 6/23: The survey is now closed.  Thanks to all who participated!


Last post I wrote about the dreaded Mother's Day that most IFers scramble to avoid to whatever degree they can manage.  Understatement: It's a difficult day.  

That said, there are so many fabulous things that one can do on that day (or leading up to it) to help squelch the emotional intensity, and I posted an email that I received from a local infertility/adoption counseling center on just that topic. 

I mentioned that I wasn't sure about #4, which says something about attending a baby care class.  My first response: "WHAT?!"  My next response, "Hmmm..."  

I have a theory.  It starts with a RESOLVE support group I used to attend years ago wherein the facilitator suggested bringing a pregnant woman to the group; someone who had dealt with infertility and was now pregnant.  Her idea was that she wanted attenders to get in that space where this could actually be them.  "Imagine what it would feel like, if this were you," she said.  

I, like most everybody else, resisted the idea right away.  But, we remained open-minded.  Kinda.  

Fast forward many years later, and I'm reading the suggestion of attending a baby care class with thoughtfulness.  How could that possibly help?  Obviously, being around others who have babies or whose babies are imminent (through pregnancy or adoption) does not seem like the infertile's cup of tea.  

Then it struck me -- and this is where I realized I'm seriously owning my hippy self -- It's the Law of Attraction.  It's manifesting.  Most people have heard of The Secret by now; It's one of the most popular books written on the subject.  In very basic terms, universal law says that we attract what we put out.  So, for example, if we put out to the universe, "I am a mom," the universe says, "Okay, let's make that happen."  

So, theoretically, attending a baby care class tells the universe, "I am an expectant mom.  I need to take this class, because my baby will be here soon."  And then the universe moves mountains to make that happen. Does that make sense?  

Okay, so here's where my therapist hat comes on:  Is it really great for one's psyche to get all into the art of manifesting parenthood only to be hurt and disappointed when reality hits?  The answer as usual: It depends.  It depends on who you are, how you view your world, where your thoughts are, how you respond to your thoughts, etc.  There are a million different variables.

If, however, you feel like this might be something you're interested in, check out Flowdreaming.   Flowdreaming is a tool for manifesting that allows you to essentially daydream about what life will be like once you have the thing that you want.  There's even an app (I have no idea what I ever did without my iPhone).  Good stuff.

Going to a baby care class personally seems a bit too intense for one struggling to be a parent.  Sitting in a room with a pregnant woman: Intense.  Dreaming about parenthood?  Hmmm...

I'd love to hear your thoughts about this.  Would you go to a baby care class?  Would you practice flowdreaming or essentially daydream about what life would be like as a parent?  How do you think these things would affect you?

Until next time...

Be well,


  1. Hey from ICLW! It's great that you were able to turn the negative of infertility into a positive by helping so many others in your career!
    As far as the baby care class, this would NOT be for me! I'm not one to have much of a filter. I can imagine now sitting in that class and seeing some young girl who didn't even want to be pregnant (that's the kind of luck I have) fumbling over a simple task or complaining about her pregnancy. It would definitely not be helpful for me and would most like result in me saying very hurtful things to someone who didn't deserve it simply because she was pregnant and I wasn't. Plus, wouldn't it be awkward for the mommies-to-be to have an infertile lady in the class? Like something you might see in a Lifetime movie?

    1. Haha, VERY Lifetime movie! I absolutely agree with you on that. Thanks so much for your input. :)

  2. I am decidedly un-hippy-y, unfortunately. Every time I hear things like the secret i think about the message it is sending. The idea that a little child with cancer somehow sent the wrong message to the universe or even that a woman who is suffering through infertility doesn't want it enough or she would have been pregnant by now.

    I think in some ways maybe we control parts of what goes on, if someone is a horrible bitchy person they are unlikely to have genuine kind friends surrounding them, but they are also probably unlikely to want genuine kind friends.

    But for the bad stuff... the diseases and the infertility and even the tornadoes out there I can't help but feel like they are horrible random acts that happen and that we somehow get caught up in.

    That said, that's just my view of the universe. Everyone has one that works for them and I'm glad this one works for you. I enjoy reading your thoughts on it.

    1. Excellent feedback! It's an interesting way to think, for sure, but you're's hard to reconcile all of the traumatic things that happen.

      P.S. Nothing wrong at all with being "un-hippy-y." ;-)

  3. Hi from ICLW - thats really interesting about the person you want to be I guess

    1. Hopefully we're all moving toward being the person we want to be. :) Thanks for visiting!

  4. Hello from ICLW.

    Your post is very interesting. I think for most people at some time shit happens, whether it is illness, loss, divorce, whatever and I don't think you attract it my communicating the universe. Similarly, I don't believe that say your going to be a mum, or millionare, or movie star is going to make those things happen. However, I do think that really focusing on what you want and striving to achieve will, if it is humanly possible, get you there. For example, willing yourself to get pregnant isn't going to make it so, but having very regular sex, looking after yourself, seeking help, IUI, IVF or adoption may eventually bring a child into your life. The more you focus on it and the harder you work for it, the more likely it is to happen. You could say that by doing those things you are really talking very hard to the universe.

    Although I am a hard core scientist and don't really believe in fluffy stuff, I do see a hypnotherapist and she is very keen on flow thinking. I see her because I struggle to connect with the feelings of loss and insecurity that losing my twin girls at nearly 17 weeks pregnant has brought. I think that flow thinking is really just another way of really focusing on what you want and taking steps to achieve it. If you can't visualise what you really desire then how are you going to go out and get it?

    I think for the most part we control our own destinies but occasionally life throws crap at us and we just have to deal with it.

    Good luck on your PhD.

    1. A most excellent point, Ana! The creator of Flowdreaming says something to the effect of, one cannot dream, dream, dream and not do, do, do.

  5. Hi from ICLW! I think it's so great you are helping others! Oh, and I too, love WG, yum!!

  6. Hello from the ICLW. I think it's great that you are helping other infertile couples with counseling. I am currently a Counseling Psychology student so I totally understand the need for therapy and with infertility the gut-wrenching head trip that it is, it's nice to see someone specialize in it.

  7. Hi from ICLW. I daydream way too much while in the shower and often forget where I was in the process of cleaning up.

  8. I've never thought about that, but it really makes sense. I suppose I would give it a try. May involve some tears, but I like the idea of the Law of Attraction. Looking forward to following you! Happy ICLW!

  9. Flowdreaming is such an interesting thing. While I will like to flowdream some fantasy hot affair, I would be too bitter doing it for the parenting bit. After the dream is done, the void looks deeper.


  10. Hi from ICLW...Therapy has def helped me with everything that I have been through


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